Left, by Lilly Lawrence; right, by George Pimentel, both from Getty Images.
Gwyneth Paltrow has a question, and it’s about the cheating scandal rocking Calabasas this week.
This Web site has done good work in documenting Paltrow’s goings-on, both online and not, aided and abetted by the transcendent Comments by Celebs. She is out here commenting “TMI” on Justin Bieber’s love missives to Hailey Bieber. She’s making B.D.S.M. jokes on otherwise innocent Kate Hudson posts. This star knows a lot of acronyms, just like us. And just like us, she saw the news about the alleged Jordyn Woods and Tristan Thompson tryst on a meme account and said, in a matter of words, “Who are these people and why are we all panicking?”
Actually, Paltrow’s exact words were, “Can someone explain what’s going on? I have never heard of half of these people, someone give me context. Please. It seems serious.” It is serious! It has the human drama of Dickens novels and those soap-opera episodes right before the big reveal that the cheater is actually an evil twin, while the one true husband has been kept in a cage for three months somewhere beneath the Hollywood Hills. Here is the context Paltrow craves:
Who are these people?
“The worlds [sic] youngest billionaire” refers to Kylie Jenner, she of lip-kit mega-millions. Jordyn Woods is her longtime best friend. Woods has been living with Jenner and once modeled for Khloé Kardashian’s Good American clothing brand. Tristan Thompson was, up until this scandal, the long-term partner of Kardashian, and is a basketball player on the Cleveland Cavaliers. His elite skill is getting offensive rebounds. Offensive rebounds. Go figure. The Cavs are an N.B.A. team still smarting from LeBron James’s desertion. The sad thing is that he might be the best player on the James-less Cavs, but he’s been missing games because of ”soreness in his left foot.”
Why are these people?
All of the aforementioned human beings (besides James) are connected to the Kardashian family, an experiment tested in U.S. military labs before the government quickly lost control of them. Thompson and Khloé Kardashian have a child together. Her name is True.
So what happened?
On Tuesday, Hollywood Unlocked broke the story of alleged Sunday night coziness between Thompson and Woods. Next, TMZ reported that Khloé was leaving Thompson after finding out about his purported weekend make-out. According to one source, the family made some calls and came to believe that this rumor was true.
But this was the first time Thompson cheated, right?
Aw, Gwyn. All these years in Hollywood and still an ingenue. According to lore, he’s cheated many, many, many times before. TMZ has a tracking device on this man. Its name is Kris Jenner. The biggest scandal occurred last year when footage surfaced of him with two women in 2017. The breaking news allegedly sent his wife into labor. It’s as dark as it gets!
What’s the Instagram-follow breakdown look like?
Kim and Kourtney Kardashian have unfollowed Woods and Thompson. Kendall Jenner is still following Woods, but not Thompson. Kylie is still following Thompson and Woods. Woods is still following all of the above from the Kardashian-Jenner clan.
How’s Khloé?
She seems pretty broken up about it all, to be honest. The youngest Kardashian sister left unattributed quotes about love lost on her Instagram Stories Thursday, plus one cartoon of a woman who looks a little like her with a tear. “The worst pain is gettin [sic] hurt by a person you explained your pain to,” reads one.
What will become of Thompson?
Who cares? Good luck with the left foot, my guy.
What will become of Woods?
People and TMZ have reported that Woods is moving out of Kylie’s mansion on her own accord. Somebody please start a GoFundMe for Woods.
Was this helpful, Gwyneth?
Lord, I hope so!
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This story was originally published by Vanity Fair
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